When I became a stay at home mother, my responsibilities naturally began to include housework alongside taking care of my son (which I realize is not the case for everyone; many stay at home mothers share the responsibilities of housework with their partners). And though it seems to make sense with our current situation; my husband works 40 hours a week with a 45 minute commute both ways, coming home just in time for dinner and putting Jacob to bed; I can't help but feel sometimes like I am turning my back on my resolutely feminist 8 year old self who used to proclaim to my homemaker-mother, "When I get married, my husband and I will make dinner together every night and clean the house side by side!". (My parents still have a very 1950s-style arrangement)
This is not to say that DH is in any way against sharing the load, in fact, he pretty much does whatever I ask of him. The problem is that, while I believe that our arrangement really is the best way to take care of the house and Jacob, as DH provides the sole income, I sometimes feel that I am trapping myself in a domestic box of tasks that I put more energy into than anything which is purely for myself. I am not alone in this way of thinking.
Before the advent of electrical appliances such as the dishwasher and the washing machine, women hired servants to help with the housework. But when these new, power-sucking gadgets were invented, boasting efficiency with daily chores, women were expected to ditch the entourage and, in using these machines, produce a sparkling home, free of any perceivable trace of dirt. What was made to help the housewife ended up causing more pressure to have a perfect home.
Women have always been expected to do it all; take care of the children, make nutritious and tasty meals (to even the most picky members of the family), keep a clean and organized home, transport children to various extracurricular activities and participate in some ourselves, do all of the shopping for the family (and keep a running inventory of all household items in your head so that you don't miss a thing on any shopping trip), keep track of important dates and appointments, and be loving and attentive wives and mothers. Where, oh where, in that mess of responsibility does it allow time for Mom to do something for herself? Maybe something completely alone, something educational, something social, or something that makes Mom feel like a woman or her own person before going back to wearing a mess of hats all at once?
My husband and I love to play the movie trivia games called Scene It! There is a game called Scene It! Squabble which pits men against women in a battle of "Guy Movies Vs Chick Flicks". It's supposed to "break stereotypes" by having the women answer "Guy Movie" questions and the men answer "Chick Flick" questions. Now, if that weren't offensive enough, because despite my love of a select few romantic comedies (I'm sorry, but Jennifer Garner is just too dang cute in "13 Going on 30") I primarily like to watch movies that have action, science fiction/fantasy, superheroes, etc. "Guy Movies". I know way more about "Star Wars" than I do about "Pretty in Pink" and I'm proud of that.
*There's nothing wrong with women loving romantic comedies, that's not what I'm saying, what I'm saying is that it's offensive to assume that women know less about action movies than movies where the female lead is hopeless until she meets a man whom she hates at first, but wouldn't y'know it, ends up falling in love with. But I digress...
The most offensive thing about Scene It! Squabble are the game pieces. Are you ready for this feminists, cos it's a doozy! For the men, the game pieces are a hammer and a sports car. For the women, a high heeled shoe and a frying pan. A frying pan?!
I recognize that I have made a decision that I would stay at home, take care of our son, and lighten the load for DH by taking care of most of the household chores. But, does being a homemaker and stay at home mother mean that I am no longer a thinking, feeling woman? According to those swiffer ads, I'm not, because apparently women are in romantic relationships with their floor cleaners.
As I said before, my parents have a very traditional, 1950s-style home life. My mother has always been a homemaker, and my father worked his 9-5. When I was young, I resented my mother because of her seemingly subservient role in the family. I wondered why she let my father be the one who demanded food on the table and a clean house while she had no life of her own.
During undergrad, I interviewed my mother for a project, and discovered that she was not the weak, subservient little housewife that I always imagined, but she was a woman who made a choice when she got married that she wanted children, and wanted to stay home with them, as her mother had done with her. She loved coming home every day to her mother, and loved helping her in the kitchen, like an iconic mother-daughter baking ad from the era. It took my mother awhile to realize that I was not going to be like her, and girls my age were not like girls of her generation. Instead of coming home from school and baking with my mom, I came home and played outside with my friends.
But having this new information about my mother, while it still pains me in knowing all that she's lost (professional skills, computer knowledge, etc.) helps me to see her not as simply a mother and wife, but a woman who made a choice. Now, I am a woman who has made a choice. One that I never ever thought that I would make, but I've done it. And this is not to say that I will never work a full time job outside of the home, in fact, I am working towards my IBCLC so that I can help DH in providing income for our families, but even if I decided to stay home indefinitely, that would be my choice.
In the meantime, I am at home, and I cook, and clean, and take care of my child, but that does not mean that I am a caricature. Stay at home mother or homemaker does not equal mindless Stepford Wife.
I'll take the hammer, please.
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